[rakuen application]

[kingdomsgambit]

PLAYER INFORMATION

Name: Poptart
Journal: poppulchritude
Contact information: Kuroupouri
Other characters: former Karkat Vantas

CHARACTER INFORMATION

Name: King John Peixes, formerly John Egbert
Age: 19
Subject taught: Royal Frivolity and Practical Japery

Although, at first, he would insist on something like The Theory of Natural History but given free reign, he would rather teach a class about the art of expertly perching a 6th century bucket atop a wooden door.

Canon: Homestuck AU
Source: Homestuck, Arthurian Legends (namely from The Once and Future King)

I. The Sword in the Stone

Once upon a time, in the golden kingdom of Prospit, there lived a wicked monarch called Her Imperious Condescension, Queen Meenah Peixes. She was a cruel, megalomaniac tyrant that led her people into the dark ages. She promoted wanton destruction and suffering; poverty and division; the abuse of might over the common folk.

Sheltered from her reign, in a secluded castle in the province, there lived kindly Sir Egbert and his two sons, Jake and John. Jake was a boisterous boy, always bragging about his adventures and his superior falconry, but still held his own, sweet charm. John was a little bit simpler, a little bit stupider, but happy and content all the same.

This story begins when Jake and John are trudging through a forest looking for a falcon they’ve lost. When the sun starts to set, Jake heads back to the castle but John, not wanting to be berated for losing the bird, continues his search. He finds a dashing knight, King William Vance, in the forest, looking for the Questing Beast. John offers him a nice featherbed back at Sir Egbert’s castle but he simply gallops away.

John sleeps under a tree for the night. When he wakes up, he continues his search. He stumbles upon a hut in the heart of the forest. Emerging from it is a beautiful young lady dressed in purple robes. She’s around his age, maybe two and three years older. She notices him hiding behind a tree and invites him inside. Her house is full of odd knickknacks, home of doohickeys galore. At the center of the room is a white crystal ball.

They talk. She tells him that her name is Rose and that her talking cat’s name is Jaspers. She’s intelligent, saucy and sarcastic. John immediately grows a liking to her. Eventually, they agree upon Rose being his tutor to handle his education. They find the falcon and head back to Sir Egbert’s, with Rose pulling along a wagon of her books and animals.

She has a rather unconventional way of teaching. For some parts, she relies on the usual tomes and scrolls, but those are only mere side dishes to pave the way for the main course – Natural History. Using spells taught to her by her mother Roxanne, she turns John into various animals to educate him about adaptation, compassion and open-mindedness. Through the birds, he learns order; through the ants, he learns the value of freedom, and so on.

Six years pass. Jake is knighted – transforming him into Sir Jake, with John as his squire. Jake’s status goes to his head and he and John grow more and more apart. John is growing listless, even with Rose’s lessons. (He also develops a fondness for small, furry animals at this point.)

News about the wicked Queen’s death spread like wildfire. The kingdom is descending into chaos looking for an heir until they discover Caledfwlch inside a church at London – whoever pulls the sword from the stone is king. Sir Egbert assumes that any of them trying would be a futile effort, but they head out anyway because Jake wants to participate in the gallant tournaments.

That is when Rose announces that she should finally leave. John, miserable, begs her not to, but she tells him this is the end of his education.

They get to London, with Jake excited about the festivities and John moping about Rose leaving. On the way to the tournament, Jake loses his sword and asks John to get it for him. John tries to head back to the inn but, seeing that it’s closed, looks for another method of obtaining a sword. Oblivious about the whole deal about the sword, he heads inside and manages to free the sword from the stone. He heads back to Jake and gives him the sword. Jake, dumbstruck but happy nonetheless, excitedly tells their father that John pulled out the sword.

Sir Egbert asks John to show them. He does and, on bended knee, Sir Egbert confesses that he’s not really his real father; John says he knows, a lot of people told him, but it did not matter. Sir Egbert begs to his kind lord that, when crowned, John show mercy to his brother and make him a seneschal. Overwhelmed by the gravity of the situation, that his happy, simple life isn’t going to be the same anymore, the heir sobs into his hands.

For weeks, people try to test the heir, making him pull the sword out again and again and again. When they were finally convinced, a coronation took place. The expected feastings happen and he’s presented a lot of gifts. The nicest of all is from his guardian, Sir Egbert – a dunce’s cap, which you lit at the end. John lights it and watches it grow into Rose, smoothing out her robes.

“Inconvenient way to make an entrance,” she says, smiling at him, “well, John, that is a lovely crown you are wearing. Let’s get to the point.” She sits next to him, crossing her legs girlishly. “I wasn’t allowed to tell you before, but your mother was Queen Peixes herself. My mother, dressed as a beggar – though I’m not quite sure if it was a disguise or one of her demented fancies – was the one that brought you Sir Egbert’s castle, in your gaudy, golden swaddling bands. I know all about your birth and parentage, and who gave you your real name. In future, it will be your glorious doom to take up the burden and enjoy the nobility of your proper title: so now I shall crave the privilege of being the very first of your subjects to address you with it—as my dear liege lord, King John.”

“Will you stay with me for a long time?” asked John.

“Yes, John. Or should I say, yes, King John.”

END OF ACT I

II. The Thief of Air and Light

In a dark room with their naked bodies gathered around a pile of hay, the young brothers Equius, Gamzee and Tavros tell the story of the wicked Queen Meenah’s transgressions against the Countess of Derse, their grandmother, the beautiful Jane Crocker.

Long ago, before they were even born or thought of, Her Imperious Condescension fell in love with Jane – but alas, the beautiful and chaste Jane (their Nanna) was married to the Earl of Derse (their Grandfather). The wicked Queen of Prospit would not be deterred, however. She invited them to the Tower of Prospit to proposition Jane alone but the Countess of Derse spurned her instead. In the dead of the night, Granny Jane and the Earl rode back to the Kingdom of Derse.

When Queen Meenah learned of what happened, she was wonderly wroth. She said, “I will have that Earl of Derse’s head in a pie dish, by my halidome!” A war started between Prospit and Derse. Two thousand people died (though in reality, it was probably millions). Just when the Kingdom of Derse was winning, Roxanne the wretched witch, with her crafty magic, sent Queen Meenah to Jane’s chamber. The Earl was slain in battle, and in spite of already having two lovely daughters of Derse, Terezi (their auntie) and Vriska (their mammy), Queen Meenah forced Lady Jane to marry her.

“Four things that a Dersite can never trust: a bull’s horn, a horse’s hoof, a bard’s honk, and a Prospitian’s laugh.”

In this joined circle, they swear to denounce eternal hatred against King John’s court, for the transgressions that happened against their country and their family, and the evil to come.

Downstairs, in a dimly lit room, sits Vriska the Queen of Derse. She is bored from a lack of people paying attention to her, for her wife Kanaya is at war against Prospit.

During an intermission from the battles, John talks to Rose about what a splendid battle it was and how easily they defeated the adversary. Rose merely crooks her eyebrow, thoughtful and standoffish, and stops her stitching.

“How many dead?”

“I don’t remember.”

“No.”

“Jake said –” John stops his train of thought, looking at Rose. “It was not fun, then. I had not thought.”

“The tally is more than seven hundred. They were all kerns, of course. None of the knights got hurt, except for the fool who fell off a horse.” Rose smirks. “I was forgetting that you had some really nasty bruises.”

John glares at his finger nails. “I hate you when you are a prig.”

“That’s the ticket, John. Stand up for yourself. When you said battles were fun, you were thinking like your mother. As a queen, she was not very good. So to succeed as king, you must think of the state of your country as yourself. Have you thought about your country, John? Have you thought about what’s best for your people, not for yourself?”

“I have to admit, I have not.”

“Then start. I will not be around you for any longer. The time when I will fall in love with Eridan Ampora is fast approaching. He will learn all my spells and lock me up in a cave for a few centuries. I do not want to leave you running your country like some sort of buffoon.”

“This Eridan person…”

“Is irrelevant, I simply mentioned him to make you pay attention. Returning to what I was saying, here is some food for thought: do you remember Sir Orphaner?”

“That fellow!”

“Why do you say it like that?”

He relays the story of Sir Orphaner, the cowardly knight who goes around murdering maidens. Rose brings up a point about how he isn’t very different from the other knights – after all, during those dark times, chivalry is nothing but having enough riches to afford a castle and a suit of armor. Their excuse? Might is Right.

“But Might isn’t Right, is it, Rose?”

Rose smiles at him and squeezes his shoulder affectionately. “I will not do your thinking for you but remember this – anything you say, the people will have to listen, because you are their king.”

“But before I get to say anything, I have to think so I will know what is best for my people.”

“Very good, John. Statements like that are why you are going to be great someday.”

After, Sir Jake, King John and Rose talk about the war and what started it. Wars are never fought because of one thing though; they are fought because of a number of things. For example: This war is being fought because of heritage, of Queen Meenah’s sins against the Dersites, and because Queen Vriska wears the trousers in the relationship - she coerced Kanaya to fight in the war because of personal reasons against The Condesce and her lineage.

Sir Jake, curious about the beautiful Queen Vriska, inquires about her. Rose, tongue in cheek, remarks that she’s not one to sleep with boisterous knights, that’s for sure. But she tells them about her reputation as the “Black Widow” – that even with three children, she’s a megalomaniac, histrionic (“histri-what now? Rose?”) wench with a reputation for seducing people of power, manipulating them to follow her whims and even killing them when they’ve lost their use to her. John wonders how much of this is true; after all, Rose always sided with Queen Vriska’s wife, Queen Kanaya, and everything she said could be out of spite.

Prospitians are busy bustling about to attend to preparations for the war. Since the army of Derse is so much bigger, Prospit has to resort to stratagems, and only four people are privy to them. Those people are Sir Egbert, Sir Jake, King John and Rose.

King John has been thinking about his conversation with Rose earlier. The result is an idea half-formed, but it is on the right track, he thinks. He ascends the gruelling two hundred steps to Rose’s tower – only for Rose to shoo him, as it is improper for a King to climb up two hundred steps when he could’ve called for a page instead. John, confused, asks her why he has to do that because he’s already there. Rose slams the door in his face, having none of it. So John sends for a page, and they have a meeting.

He relays his marvellous idea to Sir Jake, Sir Egbert and Rose. He tells them (very fast) that people seem to be half-good and half-evil, but instead of leaving them to fester in their evilness and become beasts, he wants to utilize a system where Might is used for Right. Gone are the days of rich and wicked knights who use Might as an excuse to rape, plunder and hurt. He will gather up noble men and women to fight for Right. He will gather mostly the Young, as the wicked Old are too set in their ways. He will make it fashionable, and it will bring peace to the land.

He looks up at Rose after he says these, and she smiles, knowingly.

As they camp out for war, John keeps talking about his idea with Rose or Sir Jake or Sir Egbert or all of them. Sir Jake brings up the matter about knights wanting to climb up the table; after all, ambition can do nasty things to a person. John considers this – it is a valid point – and declares that the table be round. He would call them the Knights of the Spirograph. He chose the Spirograph because it’s the Symbol of Frog the Creator.

Rose tells him that the creation of the table isn’t a problem: Sir Harley will give him one that would suit his purpose as his wedding gift. “Am I marrying his daughter?” John asks. “Granddaughter”, Rose corrects. “Her name is Jade. I ought to warn you about her and David.”

Eventually, Prospit wins the war. A lot of lives were lost, but eventually the two kingdoms settle on a peace treaty. News about the strong, charming, generous and innocent King of England spread in Derse, and Queen Vriska forgot her misery with King William Vance to pursue the king. In a dim lighted room, Vriska reviews the art of mind control.

Prospit celebrates their victory. The streets are lined up with colourful banners and shops and bustling people. King John is delighted to see his old friends King William Vance, the first knight he ever adored, and hear about his engagement with the lovely Paget Mardsen. King John decides to throw them the grandest wedding in the land, and he does. He books the grandest church in all of Prospit, and there are flowers, flowers everywhere.

After the marriage, the wedding feast. After the feast, games are prepared for the children. David, the son of an ally of John named King Calvin, wins most of them, and John is unabashedly impressed. He breaks his silly-looking sunglasses during the games, though, and it seems like the sunshine irritates his eyes. John makes a mental note to give him something to help with that, later.

When the festivities finish, John rests at the Great Hall, exhausted. He thinks about the joy of peace, and being married someday and having a home. He falls asleep, but wakes up with a start to find a black-haired, blue-eyed beauty in front of him, wearing a crown. She has a malicious grin on her face.

It is impossible to explain how these things happen, but whatever the explanation may be, the Thief of Air and Light has a baby by her half-brother nine months later.

END OF ACT II

III. The Ill-Beat Knight

At the beginning of the book, we’re introduced to David, a young man who is training to be worthy of John’s Knights of the Spirograph.

He recalls having met John on a boat. John wanted to talk to him about his grand ideas about using Might to fight for Right. David agreed that he’s interested to join his Knights but he had to grow up first. Before their conversation concluded, John remembered that the sunshine irritated his eyes, so he gives him a pair of sunglasses commissioned by none other than Sir Ben Stiller himself.

PAUSE......

Canon point: The Ill-beat Knight Pause, shortly after he met David

Personality:

Every Beta kid has their own area of expertise. Dave is fantastic in the musical and spatial, Rose in the linguistic, and Jade in the mathematical. John’s strengths lie with the interpersonal. He has charisma and compassion down in spades. He has an open face, one with kind eyes and a reliable expression, as if he were a good learner who enjoyed being alive. You can’t hope to meet a nicer and more magnetic person. Although more often than not, Kindness often denotes a lack of backbone, but that is hardly the case with John. He is actually highly opinionated and honest, making him tactless at times but his intentions are never malicious.

Interestingly, despite his unassuming manner, he also has the mind of a trickster – innovative and clever, he is perhaps the most creative of their group and he can easily put a fresh perspective on things. His cleverness often surprises people. He has his fair share of mischief and he is talented with his execution. He always makes sure to use his talents for good, not evil. John loves a good laugh, but he likes making people laugh better.

Unlike Karkat Vantas, the other team’s leader and John’s personal foil, John’s feelings are very subtle; where Karkat is a fiery bombardment of emotion, John is always there to lend an ear with comforting eyes and a cup full of sympathy. They’re both very effective for their respective teams. The Beta kids (John and co.) are stable, resourceful and smart; they don’t need a team mom leader to shove discipline down their throats, but rather, a unifying link that binds them all together. Therefore, John is not their leader; he is their friendleader and he leads through example. His job is to inspire others to be more stable.

His pranksterism, relentless optimism and seclusion from the world don’t give him much in terms of real world practicality so this makes John a naïve little oddball with his head way, way up in the clouds. His logic works in a simple formula: If he likes it or if he can make it funny, he will acknowledge it, but if it’s not, then he wouldn’t honestly care. He, unhealthily, also uses this as a defence mechanism – everything bad that happens to him, he suppresses. His innocence in this way is basically his greatest weakness in character, and as the story progresses, he is beginning to actually man up and fulfil his responsibilities.

King John Peixes is not radically different from regular ol’ John Egbert. He retains the basic skeleton of Egbert’s personality, all of his charm, his kindness, his craftiness, tactlessness, pranksterism and malleable world view. They grew up in roughly the same living conditions; John Egbert in a humble suburban household with a loving guardian, and this John in a regular knight’s castle with the same loving guardian who taught him how to bake and sing, and how to live life, have fun and never forget to treat others kindly.

A lot could happen in six years, and this is where the differences between them are more apparent. During his reign as King of Prospit, he matures considerably. He turns stiffer, politer, more formal and more charming, but he's never lost his honesty. He doesn’t repress any bad memories anymore, but rather, contemplates them in seriousness because Rose has taught him to think. He’s a take-action guy now. After all, if you had a war to win and a kingdom to rule, wouldn’t you? He becomes a dutiful thinker, with revolutionary ideas and the resources to carry them out. Still, he hasn’t forgotten how to have fun, much to the poor, pranked knights and servants’ dismay.

Weapon:

Doctor

Form: A warhammer designed in the likeness of the Land of Wind and Shade. (picture soon)

Upgrades:

• Wind
• Windstorm
• Clear Mind
• Friendship is Magic
• Offense

Lost memories:

• Sir Egbert’s first name
• Soup is people food too
• Vriska mindcontrolled him
• How to put on armor
• Condesce’s real name
• Who Jade is
• What crowns are for
• What you call the color “blue”
• The family insignia (Breath symbol) is not a symbol of squiggly pasta
• People scratch itchy areas

Sample:

His surroundings are too much to take at once. The sky remains as it is, vast and blue and beautiful, but when his eyes drop to the city, it’s a whole different place from the golden kingdom of Prospit. The buildings, in every shape and color, stand tall and imposing before him with virtually no clues suggesting that they were crafted by human hands, but rather, sprang straight from the ground or out from the most eccentric wizard’s mind. It’s a land of wonder and magic, but with a different kind of whimsy, like it was made by a species that loved an orderly system that endorsed dull clothes and tedious lines rather than flair and rainbows and laughter.

He remembers his halcyon days of youth and his educational adventures orchestrated by his good friend Rose. She turned him into various birds and beasts, and every time, he would discover that they thrived on systems unique to their species. Those lessons in Natural History (a.k.a. Cultural Sensitivity as an artform) weren’t lost on him, no. Because of his firsthand experience in adapting with various animals, John learned to stay calm when in new environments, and never mention much of his time from where he came from – after all, one’s human title means nothing to other animals, so why should he try to exert his authority in this land? He snickers softly to himself. Look, Rose, he’s thinking.

He takes off his jewelry and stuffs them in the bag assigned to him. He wouldn’t want to come off as a pompous cad on his first day. He’d want to make a good impression! Allies are better than enemies, and if he makes friends, then even better. When a teenager, not much older than he, calls out his name, he quickly approaches her in a calm and unassuming manner.

“John Peixes?”

“Present, madame.”